Church Humor (2)

Posted On February 5, 2010 In Category Humor Collection

A Pastor had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and was afraid to come down. The Pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. etc nothing worked—the kitty wouldn’t come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the Pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove away so that the tree bent down, he could reach up and get the kitten. That’s what he did, all the while checking the progress of his car. He then figured if he went just a bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But, as he moved the car forward, the rope broke. The tree went “boing!!!” and the kitten instantly sailed through the air—out of sight. The Pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they’d seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, “Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping,” then went about his business.

A few days later, he was at the grocery store and met one of his church members. He happened to look in her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it so he asked her, “Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much??” She replied, “You won’t believe this,” and told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then, a few days earlier, the child had begged again, so she finally told her little girl, “Well, if God gives you a cat, I’ll let you keep it.” She told the Pastor, “I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won’t believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread….and landed right in front of her!!!”

—–

One Sunday morning during service, a 2,000 member congregation was surprised to see two men enter, both covered from head to toe in black and carrying submachine guns. One of the men proclaimed, “Anyone willing to take a bullet for Christ remain where you are.” Immediately, the choir fled… the deacons fled… and most of the congregation fled…. Out of the 2,000 there only remained around 20. The man who had spoken took off his hood… He then looked at the preacher and said “Okay Pastor, I got rid of all the hypocrites… Now you may begin your service. Have a nice day!”

—–

There was this lady who had to do a lot of traveling for her business, so she did a lot of flying. But flying made her nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her to read, and it helped to relax her. One time she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing. After a while he turned to her and asked, “You don’t really believe all that stuff in there, do you?” The lady replied, “Of course I do. It is the Bible.” He said, “Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?” She replied, “Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible.” He asked, “Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?” The lady said “Well, I don’t really know. I guess when I get to heaven I will ask him.” “What if he isn’t in heaven?” the man asked sarcastically. “Then you can ask him.” replied the lady.

—–

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them. After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, “Excuse me, where are we?” “This is Heaven, sir,” the man answered. “Wow! Would you happen to have some water?” the man asked. Of course, sir. Come right in, and I’ll have some ice water brought right up.” The man gestured, and the gate began to open. “Can my friend,” gesturing toward his dog, “come in, too?” the traveler asked. “I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t accept pets.” The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog. After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book. “Excuse me!” he called to the man. “Do you have any water?” “Yeah, sure, there’s a pump over there, come on in.” “How about my friend here?” the traveler gestured to the dog. “There should be a bowl by the pump.” They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree. “What do you call this place?” the traveler asked. “This is Heaven,” he answered. “Well, that’s confusing,” the traveler said. “The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.” “Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That’s hell.” “Doesn’t it make you mad for them to use your name like that?” “No, we’re just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.”