1. As the poet said, ‘Only God can make a tree’ — probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
  2. Eighty percent of success is showing up.
  3. Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
  4. His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
  5. How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?
  6. I am at two with nature.
  7. I can’t listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.
  8. I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work… I want to achieve it through not dying.
  9. I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
  10. I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
  11. I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
  12. If it turns out that there is a God, I don’t think that he’s evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he’s an underachiever.
  13. If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.
  14. I’m astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
  15. Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought– particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.
  16. It is impossible to experience one’s death objectively and still carry a tune.
  17. Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering – and it’s all over much too soon.
  18. My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.
  19. My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
  20. The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5’7″, it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.