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20 funny Woody Allen quotes
- As the poet said, ‘Only God can make a tree’ — probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
- Eighty percent of success is showing up.
- Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
- His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
- How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?
- I am at two with nature.
- I can’t listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.
- I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work… I want to achieve it through not dying.
- I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
- I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
- I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
- If it turns out that there is a God, I don’t think that he’s evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he’s an underachiever.
- If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.
- I’m astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
- Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought– particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.
- It is impossible to experience one’s death objectively and still carry a tune.
- Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering – and it’s all over much too soon.
- My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.
- My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
- The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5’7″, it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.